by Gene Cowan
Long, long ago, before there was any doubt about the future of the world (People simply couldn't fathom the thought of a future) there lived two young men who changed history. Their names were Gene McCowan and Thomas Trabandt, and they lived in a small town which was called Lake Doocy. This was a town in which several times a year the townfolk would give thanks for a fruitful season and throw chickens into the street. The chickens didn't seem to mind much, they just picked themselves up and waddled back to the henhouse, chattering along the way about how while it really had been a pretty fruitful season, they were glad it was over so that they could have some peace for a change. Of course, this only lasted until the next season when they were thrown into the streets again. Visitors to Lake Doocy were always astonished that fruitful seasons continued despite the fact that townfolk tried to maim their livestock in this manner.
One day, after a particularly fruitful season and some particularly fun-filled chicken throwing, the two young men entered a pub for some particularly fruitful drinking binges. It was the Green Lion Pub, an establishment so named because it's proprietor had once made a trip to Africa, hunting for lions. When he finally came upon one, it was sick, and proved so by becoming ill all over the man's shoes. Feeling sorry for the animal, the proprietor spared his life, lowering his gun, and this is the reason that the proprietor of the Green Lion Pub has only one leg. The lion has since opened a very successful watering hole near Dali Salam (which is called the Red Human), where he tells happy-go-lucky stories of his encounter with the most depressingly stupid of all animals, man.
Tom winced as he entered the pub, he had heard this story at least twelve times this month, and it was only the 3rd of November. Gene concurred with Tom's appraisal of the situation, and winced right along in a similar fashion. They called for a couple of pints and sat down at a table which provided a good vantage point from which they could see the entire clientle of the pub, coincidentally including the broken window which allowed observant people to observe the house of ill repute which was next door. No one has satisfactorily explained the origin of this description, as no one in Lake Doocy has ever thought of it as a bad place, which it certainly wasn't. Actually, Bess's House was the largest source of income in the entire town, so when we say we had a fruitful season, you can only imagine what it was like over there.
Tom and Gene searched their drinks for a sign from God. They did this every day, hoping that someday He would send a sign regarding what they were to do with their lives. Once again, they found their lives to be completely without purpose, and decided to establish a default state of mind in these situations, which was to become very drunk. They did this, then debated whether or not they should go over to Bess's House. Like every other day, they decided against it, as they would not have much fun, seeing as how they were drunk. This happens just about everyday, and it is very rare that anything else interesting ever happens to Trabandt and McCowan. But today was not like any other day the two blood-brothers had ever experienced, for they were to be catapulted into an intrigue so intriguing that they would never return to the paradyssmal hamlet of Lake Doocy. You will learn more about this in The Next Paragraph, which may be found on the Next Page.
THE NEXT PARAGRAPH™. Wherein we will learn what intriguing events have intrigued Tom Trabandt and Gene McCowan to leave Lake Doocy and pursue whatever it is that they are pursuing which has intrigued them.
Gene and Tom stumbled from the pub, crossing the street without regard to the various vehicles which passed within inches of them, vehicles which contained within them drivers who were more than a little upset at finding them in the street. Gene and Tom continued across the street, oblivious to the whims of the traffic. They headed over to Tom's house, where they were sure there must be something in the medicine cabinet that would make them feel like actually going on living. They didn't find anything there, but they did find a couple of beers in the ice box which they felt would make a good substitute.
This is not to say that Tom and Gene were drunks, far from it. They only drank this way for the benefit of authors who were constantly scrutinizing every facet of their lives in the hope that someday something would happen that was worth writing about.